I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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