When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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