they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
