Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
