I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
