we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
