I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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