sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
