so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
