I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
