u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
