So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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