I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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