My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
