Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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