I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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