it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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