My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
