Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
