I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
