she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
