you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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