I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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