i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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