woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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