i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
