Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
