I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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