I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
