Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
