never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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