just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
