My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
