no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
