My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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