I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
