I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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