Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
