the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
