I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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