I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
