and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
