Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
