you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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