I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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