I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
