This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
