sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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