you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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