1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can i not drive my cunt home
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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